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Atomicwolf




Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 3572


Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 2:00 pm    Post subject: Comic Conductor  Reply with quote

Comic Conductor

Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train’s engine fell silent.
“I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.” My fellow passengers groaned.
“The good news,” he added, “is we weren’t cruising at 30,000 feet.”


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Atomicwolf




Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 3572


Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2017 7:26 pm    Post subject: Samsung... Reply with quote

Samsung...

Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

A: Guardians of the Galaxy.


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Atomicwolf




Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 3572


Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2017 2:33 pm    Post subject: A Perfect Fit Reply with quote

A Perfect Fit

For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers.
At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people.
The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question,

“Can you give me one good reason why we should hire you?”

“Because I fit in the chairs.”


......She got the job.


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AtomCat




Joined: 29 Mar 2009
Posts: 9



PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:21 pm    Post subject: Typo Through the Tupils Reply with quote

Typo Through the Tupils

I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, “Thanks for putting up with me so long.”
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

“Where are you going?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it:

“Thanks for putting up with me. So long.”


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Atomicwolf




Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 3572


Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 7:07 pm    Post subject: Bubba's Hearing. Reply with quote

Bubba's Hearing.

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”


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Atomicwolf




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Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2017 5:20 pm    Post subject: Clicking into place... Reply with quote

Clicking into place...
"Everything's starting to click for me!" said my granddad at dinner one day.
"My knees, my hips, my neck ... "

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Atomicwolf




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Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2017 7:06 pm    Post subject: Security System Reply with quote

Security System

When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious.
But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside:

“Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom.”


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Atomicwolf




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Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 7:08 pm    Post subject: Parallel Parking Reply with quote

Parallel Parking

I’m not good at sports, but I like parallel parking. Unlike sports, the worse you are at parallel parking, the more people you have rooting for you.


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Atomicwolf




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Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 11:02 am    Post subject: Cheerios. Reply with quote

Cheerios.

One day two brothers were raking in the front yard. The older brother, who is 6, says, "Hey, at breakfast tomorrow, me and you should say a cuss word!" The younger brother, who is 4, nods with excitement. So, the next day, the their mother says, "What do you want for breakfast?" to the older brother. He replies, "Ah hell! I'll have some Cheerios!" The mother grabs him by the ear and spanks him all the way up the stairs into his room. "Now, what do you want for breakfast?" The mother says to the younger brother. "I don't know, but you can bet your fat butt it ain't going to be Cheerios!"


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Atomicwolf




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PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2017 10:42 am    Post subject: All Cats Want. Reply with quote

All Cats Want.

They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat—but not mouse meat, which is probably all cats want.


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