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Atomicwolf




Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 3523


Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 05, 2017 10:33 am    Post subject: Keeping Fit.  Reply with quote

Keeping Fit

I named my dog '5 miles' so that I can tell everybody that I walk 5 miles every day !

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Atomicwolf




Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 3523


Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Tue Jun 06, 2017 10:28 am    Post subject: Short & Funny Reply with quote

Short & Funny.

Q: What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A: A labracadabrador.


So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.


Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"
The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"


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Atomicwolf




Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 3523


Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Wed Jun 07, 2017 3:12 pm    Post subject: The Moth ! Reply with quote

The Moth !


Dad, there's a moth on the outside of the bathroom door, can you get rid of it?
.......
.......

Please hurry, because I'm going to cry .....
......

Dad? ...
Dad?.....
.......



Dad is dead,
you're next,
Love MOTH !!


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Atomicwolf




Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 3523


Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2017 2:27 pm    Post subject: Thought & Ponderings Reply with quote

Thoughts & Ponderings

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?



Just wondering ?????  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing

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Atomicwolf




Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 3523


Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 10:45 am    Post subject: OOPS! Reply with quote

LICENSE

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”
 
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.



OOPS !

Wife: “Darling, the car's broken, it won’t start.”
 
Husband: “What?! It was working perfectly earlier, what’s wrong with it?”
 
Wife: “It’s got water in the carburetor.”
 
Husband: “Oh no, where are you right now?”
 
Wife: “Um, in the little lake behind the house…”




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Atomicwolf




Joined: 04 Apr 2009
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Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 10:31 am    Post subject: My Dad.... Reply with quote

My Dad....

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him.
When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her.
She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags.
He had :

one bag of sugar,
two dozen eggs,
three hams,
four boxes of detergent,
five boxes of crackers,
six eggplants,
and seven green peppers.

He was proud of everything he'd got that was on the list.....


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Atomicwolf




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Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 2:25 pm    Post subject: Two fish Reply with quote

Two fish

Two fish are in a tank
One turns to the other and asks,

" how do we drive this thing?"

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Atomicwolf




Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 3523


Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 10:48 am    Post subject: A Few Questions Reply with quote

A Few Questions !


Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.



Q: How do trees use the Internet?
A: They log in.



A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."


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Atomicwolf




Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 3523


Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2017 3:33 pm    Post subject: MMMMmmmm, Jokes ! Reply with quote

MMMMmmmm, Jokes !


How does NASA organize their company parties?
They planet.



What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
Sneakers.



My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books,
but he’s only got his shelf to blame.



What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.



Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
Because he was too far out man!



Just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.



 I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.



Learn sign language, it’s very handy.


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Atomicwolf




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Location: U.K.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2017 2:32 pm    Post subject: Birthday Party ! Reply with quote

Birthday Party !

My daughter wanted a 'Cinderella' themed birthday party...

... so I invited all her friends over ....

.... and made them clean my house !!


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